Wednesday, December 25, 2013


They say there is no fool like a old fool (whoever 'they' are).
They are right.
It's Christmas Day apparently.  In Junkmale world it's Wednesday.  Much the same as any other Wednesday only more shit.
Last year i spent most of the day waiting for a message from the only person i actually really wanted to get a message from.  It didn't arrive.
This year i did exactly the same thing with the same negative result.
How sad am i?
The only thing i know for sure is that i won't be doing the same next year if I'm unfortunate enough to still be here.

Friday, November 22, 2013


One of the things i find missing from Medical Science is the actual physical pain from both grief and a broken heart.  Both lessen a little over time but never leave and can jump up and bite you at the most inappropriate times.

Back when i had a life, many years ago, i had the usual 'boy meets girl' moment.  Swiss Chalet in Glengormley at the late, much missed, Friday night disco.  I was 20.  Usual thing in those days.  Guys waited patiently for the slow ones to arrive and then made every effort they could for a dance and maybe a quick snog from some unsuspecting girl.

Anyway one Friday night, really late on it worked.  And very nice she was too.  Telephone number on the back of my hand for later.  I didn't call her the next week as i'd forgotten her name (in those days my bowels were still healthy and i could have some alcohol).  As well as that i wasn't working, couldn't drive and hadn't really much to offer.

She wasn't there the next week but one of her friends was and i got a big telling off for not calling her. Apparently she'd been waiting all week for me to do so.

So i did.  And eight years later it all came crashing down around me.  They were 8 good years.  Ok the last few weeks of them was pretty unpleasant but can't all be roses.  I had known from the first few weeks that this was the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and for a very long time it seemed that that was the way it was going to end.  The split wasn't my fault but if i had the chance to do it again i'd do things a lot differently.  With age comes wisdom (or so i'm told).

Problem was i was now 28.  All 'our' friends suddenly became 'her' friends and i didn't really want anyone else. Stupidly believing that it would all be all right in a week or two.  It wasn't.  It felt like i'd lost my right arm. My lover, best friend and everything else just gone in an instant.

The last 21 years have been a bit of drought where interaction with the opposite sex have been concerned. That's probably understatement of the year.  It's not just about the physical aspect but i haven't had anything even remotely connected with sex this century.  It's about that closeness.  That feeling that someone needs you as much as you need them.  That feeling of being loved just for who you are.
The important point is that even 21 years later it hasn't gone away.  Every night when i close my eyes she's there.  Every morning when i open them again she's still there.  One of the things that i really missed at the time was that i didn't have anyone to's important.

I still get the ridiculous feeling that someday the telephone will ring.  Someday the doorbell will ring and there'll she be.
It won't happen ever but it's nice to have that dream.
My sell by date on the shelf has expired many years ago but that's just how it is (or so i'm told).  Somedays it's not so bad.  Today is not one of those days.
Maybe in another life?

Saturday, June 01, 2013


I paid a visit to both the main Auschwitz and Birkenau camps whilst in Poland in May of this year.
Before i write an account of my impressions of it, i'd like to make two points abundantly clear.

1.  I'm not a Nazi.
2.  I'm not a Holocaust denier.

I would ask that you keep those very important points in mind before reading this report.
If nothing else i'm a History Geek.
For me History is an ever changing topic.  Until a few months ago no one was 100% sure that Richard III had a deformity of his back.  Now the facts clearly show that he did.  History is about just that: FACTS.  And facts are only confirmed by compelling evidence in support of them.

I resent the fact that 'questioning' certain aspects of the Holocaust tends to lead to accusations of being a 'denier'.  That is simply not the case.  It's not wrong to question Historical evidence  but unfortunately the Holocaust is a taboo subject.  Any questioner is often labelled unfairly and unjustly as something they are not.  How can we ever learn without asking the 'why's' and the 'but's'?  If there are certain things you have questions about how can it be wrong in any way, shape or form to ask for answers.

I have my view on the Holocaust and on the 'camps'.  Some of the views i hold i'm not entirely comfortable with and one of the reasons i went to Auschwitz was to see if actually being there might change my opinion.
In most cases it didn't.  I left with many more questions that i had found answers to which was pretty disappointing on a purely personal level.

(to be continued)