Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Short Jim Diamond Rant!!

Ah Jim Diamond. A very very clever man...i kid you not.
For those not old enough to remember, Jim Diamond was a balding Scot who had a huge No 1 smash hit in the late 80's with a song called 'should have known better'. This was way back in the days before boy bands, cwazy frogs and having to sell more than 25 copies to reach number 1. Jim slipped into newspaper cover disc obscurity not long after.

The point of this rant is not, surprisingly enough, Jim Diamond but the title of his song. I really should know better, i never learn, somethings never change or even a pessemist is never disapointed might also be appropriate for this rant.

My philosophy in life is 'why walk into hurt and rejection, when you can stay out of it'. This time i have let myself down.

It involves a young lady, who shall remain nameless. Now its been quite some time, several years actually, since i've had any sort of relationship. Either meaningful or otherwise.
Anyway, i had set my sights on this particular young lady and formulated a plan accordingly.
She is a very quiet and shy young thing and not very attractive. Looking good so far as i'm hardly a bronzed Adonis myself!
She even seemed to be quite fond of me. Several people even remarked that we were perfect for each other. I thought so too. Bit of an age gap but..hell...i'm not worried much about that.

Last week on the advise of my Gigolo younger male chum... i went for it. After several very chatty smoke breaks together and not being able to 'pop the question' in person i decided on harrassment by email.
'How would you fancy going out for lunch some time' i said and waited with baited breath for a reply.
I pondered on what the pathetic excuse would be this time. Perhaps 'I've got a boyfriend' would be trotted out (i know she dosen't cause i asked) or maybe that old classic of 'you're really nice, but just as a friend' would receive another unwelcome airing.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when 'Yes i'd love too!' came back. The drawback was 'not this week, but anyday next week will be fine' was added. I made the grave mistake of getting all exicited. Could i remeber what it was like to snog someone? What would i wear? Was my breath really as bad as my Mum keeps telling me?

The next week was a flurry of friendly emails, getting to know each other and even a walk one day to the Post Office. I stupidly let myself think that mabe...just maybe...this time it might be OK.

Fools rush in someone once said.

The let down was quite gentle but crushing all the same. I can't even bring myself to repeat the utter appalingness of the excuse. But mark my words..it was bad. Nice...but bad. It arrived today.

Am i pissed...oh yes.

I'm a nice guy...ugly but nice and i hurt really really easily. Is it too much to ask that just once i can be happy, have a life, enjoy some female company. Maybe even have a bit of Romance.
As that great poet James Robert Morrisson once said 'If someone up there likes you, someone up there lies'.

God .. he was so so fucking right.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Short 'Put on your white coat and take me away' Rant!

The lights are on but nobodys home, Toys in the attic, a few shillings short of a pound!

I've known i was nuts for ages but last week, Monday to be exact, i was sent to see a Psychiatrist. I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping. A lot of trouble actually. You know how it is- can't sleep at night but could sleep all day (+ often do).

Anyway my Doctor, fine man that he is, thought i should see a shrink. So i went.

She was an elderly Scottish trout who didn't tell me her name so for simplisities sake for the rest of this Blog i'll call her Morag. No obvious insult intended to anyone unfortunate enough to actually be called Morag.

Initial impressions were not good. She seemed about as interested in me as i am in attending the next Westlife reunioun concert. It went from bad to worse. Some of the conversation went like this:-

Morag - 'So what do you do at nights then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag - 'So what do you do at the weekends then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag- 'So you have trouble meeting people?'
Me - 'No you asked me a question, i answered it'

It went on like this for quite some time. Very productive i was thinking. But then a couple of classics brightened up proceedings no end.

Morag - ' Do you take part in any sports?'
Me - No I'm 41 and if you had bothered to read my notes you would have seen that a large portion of my small intestine has been removed. Therefore, surprisingly enough i don't take part in any sports'

The best was yet to come:

Morag - 'When was the last time you had intercourse?'
Me - 'When dinosaurs walked the earth'
Morag - 'So it would be safe to say you are frustrated'
Me - 'Only when the wind blows'

It really was a quite exceptional experience. And she wants to see me again in a months time.
What joy, i'm sleeping better already!