Friday, September 30, 2005

Short Woody Allen Rant

Ah Woody Allen. Remember him? Short bloke, glasses, used to be funny?
I heard a great quote from him the other day. It went something like this:-

'The last time i was inside a woman was on a day trip to the Statue of Liberty'

I've never been to the Statue of Liberty. I was in Seattle once but that is a tale for another day.
Back to Woody. I've recently become resigned to the fact that at the grand old age of 41 that i'm never going to have sex ever again. Sad but very true.

Never really had all that much before. Even in my prime. Its a great shame because the few partners i ever did have always said i was pretty good at it. Everyone has to be good at something don't they?

I just can't be bothered with all the crap that goes before the sexual act itself.

I've never seen a large breast, like in the flesh. My ex was a size 30AA. I have more chest myself than she had, God bless her.

I like sex, i like breasts. Man was seeded to this planet to reproduce themselves. Not much chance of that happening. Seems i have failed miserably to do even that.

I know what you are thinking. I could pay for it. True, but i don't know if i could with a total stranger. I've been tempted once or twice but never actually went through with it.

Myself and Winston (my constant companion these days) will just have to make do with Porn.

Hey its cheap, can be viewed in the relative comfort of your own home and sometimes, just sometimes i even imagine that Belladonna is looking straight at me!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Short Jim Diamond Rant!!

Ah Jim Diamond. A very very clever man...i kid you not.
For those not old enough to remember, Jim Diamond was a balding Scot who had a huge No 1 smash hit in the late 80's with a song called 'should have known better'. This was way back in the days before boy bands, cwazy frogs and having to sell more than 25 copies to reach number 1. Jim slipped into newspaper cover disc obscurity not long after.

The point of this rant is not, surprisingly enough, Jim Diamond but the title of his song. I really should know better, i never learn, somethings never change or even a pessemist is never disapointed might also be appropriate for this rant.

My philosophy in life is 'why walk into hurt and rejection, when you can stay out of it'. This time i have let myself down.

It involves a young lady, who shall remain nameless. Now its been quite some time, several years actually, since i've had any sort of relationship. Either meaningful or otherwise.
Anyway, i had set my sights on this particular young lady and formulated a plan accordingly.
She is a very quiet and shy young thing and not very attractive. Looking good so far as i'm hardly a bronzed Adonis myself!
She even seemed to be quite fond of me. Several people even remarked that we were perfect for each other. I thought so too. Bit of an age gap but..hell...i'm not worried much about that.

Last week on the advise of my Gigolo younger male chum... i went for it. After several very chatty smoke breaks together and not being able to 'pop the question' in person i decided on harrassment by email.
'How would you fancy going out for lunch some time' i said and waited with baited breath for a reply.
I pondered on what the pathetic excuse would be this time. Perhaps 'I've got a boyfriend' would be trotted out (i know she dosen't cause i asked) or maybe that old classic of 'you're really nice, but just as a friend' would receive another unwelcome airing.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when 'Yes i'd love too!' came back. The drawback was 'not this week, but anyday next week will be fine' was added. I made the grave mistake of getting all exicited. Could i remeber what it was like to snog someone? What would i wear? Was my breath really as bad as my Mum keeps telling me?

The next week was a flurry of friendly emails, getting to know each other and even a walk one day to the Post Office. I stupidly let myself think that mabe...just maybe...this time it might be OK.

Fools rush in someone once said.

The let down was quite gentle but crushing all the same. I can't even bring myself to repeat the utter appalingness of the excuse. But mark my was bad. Nice...but bad. It arrived today.

Am i pissed...oh yes.

I'm a nice guy...ugly but nice and i hurt really really easily. Is it too much to ask that just once i can be happy, have a life, enjoy some female company. Maybe even have a bit of Romance.
As that great poet James Robert Morrisson once said 'If someone up there likes you, someone up there lies'.

God .. he was so so fucking right.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Short 'Put on your white coat and take me away' Rant!

The lights are on but nobodys home, Toys in the attic, a few shillings short of a pound!

I've known i was nuts for ages but last week, Monday to be exact, i was sent to see a Psychiatrist. I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping. A lot of trouble actually. You know how it is- can't sleep at night but could sleep all day (+ often do).

Anyway my Doctor, fine man that he is, thought i should see a shrink. So i went.

She was an elderly Scottish trout who didn't tell me her name so for simplisities sake for the rest of this Blog i'll call her Morag. No obvious insult intended to anyone unfortunate enough to actually be called Morag.

Initial impressions were not good. She seemed about as interested in me as i am in attending the next Westlife reunioun concert. It went from bad to worse. Some of the conversation went like this:-

Morag - 'So what do you do at nights then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag - 'So what do you do at the weekends then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag- 'So you have trouble meeting people?'
Me - 'No you asked me a question, i answered it'

It went on like this for quite some time. Very productive i was thinking. But then a couple of classics brightened up proceedings no end.

Morag - ' Do you take part in any sports?'
Me - No I'm 41 and if you had bothered to read my notes you would have seen that a large portion of my small intestine has been removed. Therefore, surprisingly enough i don't take part in any sports'

The best was yet to come:

Morag - 'When was the last time you had intercourse?'
Me - 'When dinosaurs walked the earth'
Morag - 'So it would be safe to say you are frustrated'
Me - 'Only when the wind blows'

It really was a quite exceptional experience. And she wants to see me again in a months time.
What joy, i'm sleeping better already!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Short 'Look at me, I'm a Prod' Rant

After my last post and several, unfounded might i add, accusations of bigotry on my part, i decided to set the record straight. For fairness sake i conducted a similar experiment this Saturday in Belfast City Centre. Same route, approx same time. Results are as follows:-

Glasgow Rangers shirts - 0
Northern Ireland Shirts - 0
Linfield/Glentoran Shirts - 1 (I think it was the new Glentoran shirt ..not 100% sure)

As i said.....Its a f**king disgrace!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Short 'Look at me, I'm a Roman Catholic' Rant!

Last Saturday in Belfast City Centre i carried out a short experiment.
Between the City Hall and the Virgin Megastore on Royal Avenue (name to changed shortly no doubt), i counted no less than 17 (yes 17) various people wearing Glasgow Celtic, Republic of Ireland and GAA Shirts.
It breaks down as follows:-
Glasgow Celtic 11
Republic of Ireland (Football) 3
Republic of Ireland (Rugby) 1
Unknown Gaelic Football 2

Its a f**king disgrace.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Short Mouse Rant!!

I became a killer today.
On Monday last i flicked the light switch in the kitchen to find a mouse on my draining board. It flew like Lance Armstrong up Alpe D'Huez behind the washing machine. The thought of this horrible little thing pissing and defacating on my mince steak and where i make my morning sandwichies was enough to spurn me into action.
The next day i bought 2 mouse traps. 'The Nipper' they were called. For the next few days the mouse eluded me. I named it the 'Albert Einstien' of the mouse world. No matter what was in the trap it was gone the next day.
Porridge oats was the answer. Sprinkled all around the trap. It had to crawl all over it to eat.
Today i had success. There it was this morning dead as a doormouse(sorry).
And it was just a baby. It was just lying there with its eyes still open looking up at me as if to say - 'What have you done'. It was really delicate.
Now i'm not going to turn into Julian Cope but God i regret it! What right had i to take away the life of an innocent creature who, when alls said in done was just living its life the only way it knew how? I wonder did it hurt? Was the poor thing in pain?
Its the humane 'will not kill the mouse' trap for me next time.
I'm off to make a donation to the WWF.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Short Songs/Music at funerals Rant

Went to a funeral the other day. Not the most pleasant of things, granted, at the best of times. This was some distant relative who i'd never even met, so not too distressing. It was a family know how it is.
Anyway, the coffin went into the flames to the Soundtrack to 'Braveheart'. All swirling bagpipes and what not. It was this blokes fav so who am i to argue.
Got me to thinking!! What would i have at my cremation.
All 16 minutes of Hawkwinds PXR5 possibly just to piss people off. How i would laugh from next plane of existense. I would stipulate in my will that everyone would have to stay till it was over.
Thought some more and came up eith these 3 choices (in no particular order)
1. Kenickie - Acetone
2. Kate Bush - This Womans Work
3. Dixie Chicks - God Speed

People might even cry.....and wish they had visited more often.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Short PC Rant!!

Ahh the Personal Computer. What a wonderfull beast...All that power and all just at the touch of of a button. It just makes your heart sing with joy!!...............NOT!!
I love computer games. Really love computer games. I'm not very good at them but thats besides the point. The Personal Computer as a games machine sucks...big time.
I spent a wad of hard earned cash just before Christmas for a brand new one of these. All singing, all dancing 2.6 MHZ, 512 MB, 128MB 3D. You name it has it..all the bells and whistles money could buy.
Does it work ....oh yes. Does it play games ...........oh no!
Firstly theres the VXD errors, Kernell 32 errors, exception OE at module %&!!QMM++ errors to name but a few. So just what do all these things actually mean? Perhaps Bill Gates knows. And how do you fix them? Perhaps Bill Gates knows that too, because i don't.
Recently it has stopped recognising my DVD Rom drive. No reason it just isn't there any more.
Is it frustrating? No its much more than that.
There is however a solution. Its called the Playstation 2. Switch on, insert disc, press start and it works, first time, every time.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Short Winston Churchill Rant

Apparantly Winston Churchill had one. He called it his black dog. Well, i have a black dog too...and tonight...........Matthew.......its bared its teeth and has a firm grip on my throat.
And its such a difficult bugger to shake off.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Short TV can make you cry Rant!

You know how some things in life can make you piles or the new Doctor Who...but there are very few TV shows that fill me up and make me go all emotional.
Cold know the bit at the end when Lily always sees the ghost of the victim in the very last scene.....My so called Life when Rayanne took the overdose, or the Christmas episode.
Lately i've been really really loving Dead Like Me. Its been cancelled, naturally, like most shows that are worth watching..but somtimes it gets me going. Perhaps its Georges deep meaningfull monologues, Daisys religious episodes or whatever. It makes you think. Which is more than can said for a lot of things.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Short Bjork Rant

Someone recently bought me a 4 CD box -set of this womans recordings. Why.. i do not know!
How does anyone listen to this. Good God its appaling. 3 hours of tuneless noise.
Its like having your teeth drilled.
Its got to stop!!!!!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Short Political Rant!

I was in Belfast today and something really, really got on my wick!
There was a demonstration. I know what you are thinking....Belfast....demonstation....Hello!
Anyway it was about water charges. We in Northern Ireland are going to have to pay for water, you know the stuff which falls from the sky, in large ammounts.
It has its pro and cons. My opinion is fairly straight forward. The rest of the UK pays so why should we in NI be any different. Its one of those things...just hope it is a fair, metered system e.g. why should i (i sadly live alone because no one loves me) have to pay the same as my neighbours who have 6 in the house. Logically they will use more water than me and so should should pay more. But ..........this is an arguement for another day.

But, back to the demonstration. It was passing along fairly peacefully as i was trying to cross the road and what did i spot? Banners and protesters from...wait for it... Communist Party, Socialist Workers Party and last but not least those trendy lefties Militant.
Why does this sort have to hi-jack this sort of protest. What possible connection do the Communist Party have to a protest against water charges. This always seems to happen during this sort of thing.
Do left wingers have a monopoly on protest! It spoils what was a perfect legitimate protest and makes it a cheap political protest.
What really gets me is that no-one except me seems to object to this. Local Unionist MP Bob McCartney was there with the rest of them. Does he agree with a Communist Party presence?

We live in a country, here i mean the UK, not just Northern Ireland, where it seems to be socially acceptable to have extreme left wing views but unacceptable to have right wing views. I wonder what reaction a BNP presence would have had on todays demonstration.

I did however make a small protest by verbally abusing a Communist Party member, who seemed to disagree strongly with my views on North Korea, Checynea, Ethiopea.......etc etc.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Film Reviews # 1

Josie and the Pussycats is a film based on the sometimes Archie comics characters released last year to a critical panning and Box Office misery.

This is a great shame because it is excellent!

The story is based around the rise to stardom of a small town girl group called, not surprisingly, Josie and the Pussycats. A ruthless record company rep plucks them from obscurity and molds them to become the 'next big thing'.
Its basically a musical/ comedy that cruelly exposed the music and advertising industry. The film is littered with product placements in the most obvious way possible. Which is its whole point.

Its contains some absolute classic one - liners and throwaways. The cast are excellent and Rachael Leigh Cook is superb as the titular character Josie. Oh and did i mention that she is absolutely georgeous. This may have coloured my view of the film somewhat.

The outstanding thing for me however was the music. Jane Weidlin from the Go Gos was involved and it shows. Every song is a punk/pop classic and the video for '3 small words' on the DVD extras is worth the purchase price alone.

Buy the soundtrack - watch the movie- you know it makes sense!

(did i mention Rachael Leigh Cook?). Thought so!!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


Dontcha just love 'em!!!

Today my employers, The Northern Ireland Civil Service introduced a NO SMOKING policy throughout all thier establishments in Northern Ireland.

As a smoker you can probably guess that i am less than impressed. It was a loooooooong day today.
You may be surprised to find that i agree with the principal behind this. Not the offical line i.e. 'to improve the health of the workforce'. This is bollocks!!

It will increase the productivity of smokers throughout the service. In particular those smokers who wrongly believe that they are somehow entitled to a 'smoke break' and will frequently leave their workplace to use the smoking room. They are the people who killed the goose that laid the golden egg.

What really bugs me about the whole episode is this:-

They have also made going outside for a smoke during OFFICAL tea breaks a disciplinary offence! My tea break should be mine to do with what i please, smoke, sleep, yak whatever. Not allowed any longer. However, it still seems to be allowed to go for a paper, scone etc during tea breaks which is strange. Whether or not you can smoke whilst making the journey for your paper is anyones guess.

Don't like not one little bit!

Monday, January 03, 2005


At last a point!!!!

What more does a manager have to do to be sacked. Halfway through the season and 1 from bottom.
At least we scored a goal!
Its going to be a long, long season.