Thursday, August 23, 2012


Never a truer word said methinks.  Sometimes my life revolves around Jim's lyrics way to much.  It's a failing on my part or perhaps not? He is a genius and many a time i've considered that he was actually thinking of me, personally, before putting pen to his Tesco Value notebook.

Today i've been thinking about how refreshing it would be to have an actual friend.  I used to have lots back in the day but no more.  Someone to talk to would be nice just once in a while.  To complain to, to mull over the minutae of everyday comings and goings.  What's going on in the world, what's on TV, the new Dollyrots album whatever?

I often wonder what's happened to them all?  Most have lives , have all done the 'normal' thing, went off, got married and had children.  I didn't unfortunately.  Although i was close, once, a long time ago. It happens and it's always the one who's left behind that suffers.

So, what is there to do about it?  Not an awful lot.  I don't get invited to things any longer.  Even if i did i probably wouldn't go.  Spending an evening in a room full of couples is not my idea of fun.  But it does hurt.  I'm safe in the knowledge that if the situation was reversed i wouldn't desert them.  I'd do my best to at least make something of an effort even once in a while.  It's not difficult to pick up the it?

There comes a time when the reality kicks in, you reach the grand old age of 48 and recognise that this is actually it?  The way it's going to be?  Recently someone told me that the way to cope is to convince yourself that the way your life is was your choice.  Why any sane person would choose this is another matter but it, kind of, makes sense.

Who knows?  In the meantime i'll have a quick chat with the Degu's.  They never judge.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

Hello...good evening...welcome and goodbye?

One of the latest ideas from my Shrink is that i should look in the mirror every morning and then make a list of all the things i like about myself.  It's a pretty short list.

There's actually only so much a bloke can take until the elastic snaps.  Or only so many straws you can thrash a camel with before it's back breaks.  There's a point when you say 'no more' and actually mean it.
My latest bout of depression has been going on and steadily getting worse for the last few months.  It's always there, sometimes in the background but more often than not slap, bang, front and centre.

This time i've really tried.  Tried to find a way out of it.  Sought professional help and prepared myself for the actual horribleness of attempting to have an 'actual' life.  Prepared myself for the let downs, the hurts and the normal fucking awfulness of having to communicate with some fellow human beings. To being disappointed.  To feel the cruel twist of rejection and to experience, once again the very real pain of a broken heart.

Should have known better.  But then i never really do.

Enough is enough.  No more.  Bollocks to it.
It's just one kick in the balls after another and this balding, old punk has finally decided to throw the towel in.  I'm not going to force it any more.  Not going to go out.  Not going to speak unless i'm spoken to and sincerely doubt if i'm ever going to attempt to 'do the right thing' ever again. The only person i'm going to try and please is myself.
The good guys really do come last and fuck all comes to those who wait.

It's sort of refreshing in a bizarre sort of way.  The pressure is well and truly off now.  Not giving a fiddlers will be difficult but i'm determined to make it work.  My selfishness will know no bounds.  I can treat others as they treat me.  It might even be fun.

I'll continue to go to bed at night with the hope that morning doesn't come.  Continue to buy books ill never get around to reading, movies i'll never watch and games i'll never play until finally and mercifully oblivion comes.

But then again.  The football season starts again next Saturday.  The Crues away to Coleraine.
Maybe i'll go and see it?