Friday, November 22, 2013

YESTERDAY. TODAY. TOMORROW. FOREVER.



One of the things i find missing from Medical Science is the actual physical pain from both grief and a broken heart.  Both lessen a little over time but never leave and can jump up and bite you at the most inappropriate times.

Back when i had a life, many years ago, i had the usual 'boy meets girl' moment.  Swiss Chalet in Glengormley at the late, much missed, Friday night disco.  I was 20.  Usual thing in those days.  Guys waited patiently for the slow ones to arrive and then made every effort they could for a dance and maybe a quick snog from some unsuspecting girl.

Anyway one Friday night, really late on it worked.  And very nice she was too.  Telephone number on the back of my hand for later.  I didn't call her the next week as i'd forgotten her name (in those days my bowels were still healthy and i could have some alcohol).  As well as that i wasn't working, couldn't drive and hadn't really much to offer.

She wasn't there the next week but one of her friends was and i got a big telling off for not calling her. Apparently she'd been waiting all week for me to do so.

So i did.  And eight years later it all came crashing down around me.  They were 8 good years.  Ok the last few weeks of them was pretty unpleasant but hey...it can't all be roses.  I had known from the first few weeks that this was the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and for a very long time it seemed that that was the way it was going to end.  The split wasn't my fault but if i had the chance to do it again i'd do things a lot differently.  With age comes wisdom (or so i'm told).

Problem was i was now 28.  All 'our' friends suddenly became 'her' friends and i didn't really want anyone else. Stupidly believing that it would all be all right in a week or two.  It wasn't.  It felt like i'd lost my right arm. My lover, best friend and everything else just gone in an instant.

The last 21 years have been a bit of drought where interaction with the opposite sex have been concerned. That's probably understatement of the year.  It's not just about the physical aspect but i haven't had anything even remotely connected with sex this century.  It's about that closeness.  That feeling that someone needs you as much as you need them.  That feeling of being loved just for who you are.
The important point is that even 21 years later it hasn't gone away.  Every night when i close my eyes she's there.  Every morning when i open them again she's still there.  One of the things that i really missed at the time was that i didn't have anyone to tell....it's important.

I still get the ridiculous feeling that someday the telephone will ring.  Someday the doorbell will ring and there'll she be.
It won't happen ever but it's nice to have that dream.
My sell by date on the shelf has expired many years ago but that's just how it is (or so i'm told).  Somedays it's not so bad.  Today is not one of those days.
Maybe in another life?

1 comment:

Louise Moore said...

Lip down in style Kenny, its the waves of greif sometimes they are at your ankles and other times over your head knocking you on your ass. Its not over by a long shot, you deserved to be loved and be happy. The skin on skin and heartbeat to heartbeat is really important, dont give up xx