Fucking golfing umberellas!
You know those humongus things with a 6 foot wing span and the nasty 4 inch spike at every hinge.
Probably really useful on the golf course but not for walking along Belfast's busiest street at 2 in the afternoon when its not even fucking raining!!
Here endeth the lesson.....

Sick of being sick.

Ended up in hospital again this week.
It was only an overnight stay but was as unwelcome as ever.
I have Crohns Disease. If you have never heard of it, its a fairly unpleasant bowel disorder which i've had for about the last 20 years. NOT to be confused at all with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is a walk in the park compared to CD. They are often confused which is pretty annoying.
Anyway, there i was on Thursday having a resonably good day. Made the mistake of eating (as you do), and ended up in Hospital. Lots of vomiting and bowel spasms later.
Don't think i'll eat Tescos chicken soup again...ever!
Its getting a bit worrying though lately. This is the 3rd semi serious attack i've had in as many weeks.
Living alone and being sick is not recommended. There is nothing more depressing than puking into a basin at 4 in the morning and having no one about to help.
The worst is that i suppose i'll have to go back to work on Monday.
What joy!!!

Double standards anyone??

I must confess i find the whole idea of the MOBO awards quite distasteful. That's Music of Black Origin for those not in the know.
An awards ceremony not based on talent, on sales or anything else. The only qualifying essential is the colour of your skin.
In 2006 such blatant racism should surely not be tolerated let alone shown on national TV.
I thought we were trying to move away from all that?
I wonder what the outcry would be if a MOWO award was started?

Got a strange letter through the post the other day.
In amongst all those plastic charity bags and letters telling me that i had just won £100,000 (all i have to to is phone a number at £6 a minute to claim!) was a pink envelope declaring 'Its a girl thing'.
There are no girls in my house but i opened it anyway.
Inside was a nice pen, a pink ribbon and a letter from Cancer Research asking me to donate to breast Cancer research.
A very worthwhile charity i'm sure you would agree.
However, 2 pages later i was most concerned to find no mention of the male sex at all?
Some googling later i discovered that last year in the UK approx 300 men died from breast cancer. Its most prevalent in the overweight apparantly.
Obviously the percentage amongst females is much much higher. That, however, is not the point.
For an official charity not even to mention the fact that breast cancer is not in fact 'a girl thing' is an absolute disgrace. Unlike for example Testicluar Cancer whilst is most definetly 'a boy thing'.
The public needs educated. Charities should be doing this instead of sending deliberatly false and misleading information in the post.
I feel a cheeky letter coming on.

That 'How do you solve a problem like Maria' is compelling stuff, i'm very embarrased to admit.
I normally hate that whole reality TV stuff. The moron who won this years Big Brother is a testament as to how low TV producers will go in the name of 'entertainment'.
Siobhan (the peoples champ) scrapped though to the final by the skin of her perfect straight white teeth. I've thought she was really good right from the start. Tonight though Aoife was better. Its a shame.

Double standards anyone??

It seems that that nice Mr. Adams is on his his way to Israel to help the middle east in thier quest for peace. He is, seemingly, a bit of an expert on the subject?
He will not be meeting any of the Israeli parliament as they have rather sensibly told him were to go. Instead he will be meeting with his fellow 'freedom fighters' Hamas.
According to one news source Adams will be discussing, amongst other things, the subject of human rights. He has a deep conviction on this subject.
The hypocricy of this man beggars belief.
As the leader of the IRA he is indirectly responsible for over 2000 deaths here in Northern Ireland and on the British mainland.
I wonder how he feels about the human rights of his organisations victims? Or thier families? Or the thousands maimed and wounded by his 'army'.
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

ITN News?

So the European football qualifiers have started. The less said about that mighty footballing nation Iceland the better. Good God it gets more humiliating by the second.
As a sort of 'aside' to my last post, it was very interesting listening to the ITN news bulletin.
According to them 'The Republic of Ireland have the most difficult task of all the home countries'.
Perhaps i've missed something but since when have they been a Home Country?
Perhaps the ITN recruiters should include O level Geography as an essential qualification for candidates who wish to become newsreaders.

2 for 1?

Read a very interesting article in a recent edition of BBC History magazine.
Apparantly, technically speaking, the Republic of Ireland has never left the British Commonwealth and still holds the same status as e.g. Australia or Canada.
Here in Northern Ireland Protestant schools don't generally study Irish history so its not something i know an awful lot about. Think i'll have to look into this one a bit more?
Strange that you never hear that nice Mr Adams mention it?

The appaling news of further terrorist bombings in Turkey has got me thinking.
Early reports suggest that the attacks were carried out by Kurdish sepratists. Are these the same poor, downtrodan people that the good old US invaded Iraq to protect? Maybe they are related to those other bunch of 'nice terrorists' in the KLA that the US bombed Serbia to protect?

Just checking the recent FIFA world cup rankings and noticed one or two very strange annomalies.
Looks like Palestine and Kosovo have a little way to go to reach the top 100. Strange but i always thought they were Israel and Serbia? How can FIFA in all there wisdom offically recognise two countries who don't exist?
The mind boggles!!!

The Royal Mail

I read somewhere recently that the Royal Mail estimate that last year (2005) they made profits of approx £500 million on parcels sent for transactions from eBay.
So how then have Royal Mail rewarded those 10s of thousands of punters who trudge to thier local post office through wind, snow and rain with thier 99p eBay sales tucked neatly into thier Tescos bag for lifes?
By increasing thier prices.
Now a parcel is priced not only by weight but also by size and shape, resulting in a fairly large price rise all round.
Lovely......

Shine on you crazy diamond!

So Syd Barratt has died....
That old chestnut of 'Everyone loves you when you're dead' has never ever been so true. Everyone from Elton John to Captain Sensible has been droning on and on about the true genius of this man who was (incase you don't know) one of the founding members of Pink Floyd.
Please.................
Anyone who is in any doubt, i beg you, have a listen to any of his solo albums. I have never in my entire life heard such utter utter bollocks. I get down on my knees every day and thank the good Lord that this pathetic excuse for a songwriter hid himself away from the rest of humanity for the last 30 years.
OK so Arnold Layne and See Emily Play were fairly good Pop singles but one listen to Bike or that one about the elephant sums up the wonderful (not) talent that he was. Roll on now the countless biographies and documentaries in celebration of his wonderful legacy.
There is a genius that was Pink Floyd. His name is Roger Waters.
Can you imagine Barratt writing The Wall? No neither can I!!

Roy Castle has risen from the grave!!

Had a 'hot' date last Saturday night...
I've created a new world record...
I have the worlds largest ammount of attractive girls who want to be my friend.
I'm better than this and deserve better...no more Mr Nice Guy.

Short Book Review

Reading is one of my big big hobbies. I love to read. Its mostly huge fantasy trilogies with names you can't pronounce that i like. And a map...its got to have a map and/or an index at the back.
I also like Charles Dickens and Stephen King.
This weeks finished book is 'Wicked Willow Omnibus' by Yvonne Navarro.
I was and am a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Throughout its 7 year run it was always pretty entertaining. I do hate the way book stores always have the Buffy novels in the childrens section ..... but that is a rant for another day.
This one is the omnibus edition of 3 books and runs to a fairly impressive 800 pages (or thereabouts). Its set around the time when Tara was killed and Willow went a wee bit funny. OK a big bit funny.
Like a lot of tie in novels its not very good. Its not awful...just not very good.
The writer has, in her defence, perfectly caught some the issues that made Buffy so good. The interplay between the characters is pretty much spot on. Some of the banter between Xander and Anya is as comical as it was on screen. She also knows her stuff and the continuity is also first rate with no huge mistakes that i can find.
Its just well, not very good.
The writer seems to find any excuse to show of her knowledge of the show by introducing characters who have no bearing on the plot whatsoever. e.g. Spike, Oz, Amy (the rat) and even Riley pop up and one point or another. Tara appears as a ghost for the length of the entire book!
The plot moves along nicely enough but just dosen't ring true for me. In a nutshell its all about Willows attempts to resurrect Tara.
Giles is paralised. Giles, Dawn and Zander are almost killed on one occassion. The Magic Box is reduced to rubble on at least 2 occasions. There are no consequences of this?
All in all its entertaining enough....but just nothing special.
I would give it 2 out of 5. If i were writing for one those over priced magazines. Which i not, obviously!

Short Woody Allen Rant

Ah Woody Allen. Remember him? Short bloke, glasses, used to be funny?
I heard a great quote from him the other day. It went something like this:-

'The last time i was inside a woman was on a day trip to the Statue of Liberty'

I've never been to the Statue of Liberty. I was in Seattle once but that is a tale for another day.
Back to Woody. I've recently become resigned to the fact that at the grand old age of 41 that i'm never going to have sex ever again. Sad but very true.

Never really had all that much before. Even in my prime. Its a great shame because the few partners i ever did have always said i was pretty good at it. Everyone has to be good at something don't they?

I just can't be bothered with all the crap that goes before the sexual act itself.

I've never seen a large breast, like in the flesh. My ex was a size 30AA. I have more chest myself than she had, God bless her.

I like sex, i like breasts. Man was seeded to this planet to reproduce themselves. Not much chance of that happening. Seems i have failed miserably to do even that.

I know what you are thinking. I could pay for it. True, but i don't know if i could with a total stranger. I've been tempted once or twice but never actually went through with it.

Myself and Winston (my constant companion these days) will just have to make do with Porn.

Hey its cheap, can be viewed in the relative comfort of your own home and sometimes, just sometimes i even imagine that Belladonna is looking straight at me!

Short Jim Diamond Rant!!

Ah Jim Diamond. A very very clever man...i kid you not.
For those not old enough to remember, Jim Diamond was a balding Scot who had a huge No 1 smash hit in the late 80's with a song called 'should have known better'. This was way back in the days before boy bands, cwazy frogs and having to sell more than 25 copies to reach number 1. Jim slipped into newspaper cover disc obscurity not long after.

The point of this rant is not, surprisingly enough, Jim Diamond but the title of his song. I really should know better, i never learn, somethings never change or even a pessemist is never disapointed might also be appropriate for this rant.

My philosophy in life is 'why walk into hurt and rejection, when you can stay out of it'. This time i have let myself down.

It involves a young lady, who shall remain nameless. Now its been quite some time, several years actually, since i've had any sort of relationship. Either meaningful or otherwise.
Anyway, i had set my sights on this particular young lady and formulated a plan accordingly.
She is a very quiet and shy young thing and not very attractive. Looking good so far as i'm hardly a bronzed Adonis myself!
She even seemed to be quite fond of me. Several people even remarked that we were perfect for each other. I thought so too. Bit of an age gap but..hell...i'm not worried much about that.

Last week on the advise of my Gigolo younger male chum... i went for it. After several very chatty smoke breaks together and not being able to 'pop the question' in person i decided on harrassment by email.
'How would you fancy going out for lunch some time' i said and waited with baited breath for a reply.
I pondered on what the pathetic excuse would be this time. Perhaps 'I've got a boyfriend' would be trotted out (i know she dosen't cause i asked) or maybe that old classic of 'you're really nice, but just as a friend' would receive another unwelcome airing.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when 'Yes i'd love too!' came back. The drawback was 'not this week, but anyday next week will be fine' was added. I made the grave mistake of getting all exicited. Could i remeber what it was like to snog someone? What would i wear? Was my breath really as bad as my Mum keeps telling me?

The next week was a flurry of friendly emails, getting to know each other and even a walk one day to the Post Office. I stupidly let myself think that mabe...just maybe...this time it might be OK.

Fools rush in someone once said.

The let down was quite gentle but crushing all the same. I can't even bring myself to repeat the utter appalingness of the excuse. But mark my words..it was bad. Nice...but bad. It arrived today.

Am i pissed...oh yes.

I'm a nice guy...ugly but nice and i hurt really really easily. Is it too much to ask that just once i can be happy, have a life, enjoy some female company. Maybe even have a bit of Romance.
As that great poet James Robert Morrisson once said 'If someone up there likes you, someone up there lies'.

God .. he was so so fucking right.

Short 'Put on your white coat and take me away' Rant!

The lights are on but nobodys home, Toys in the attic, a few shillings short of a pound!

I've known i was nuts for ages but last week, Monday to be exact, i was sent to see a Psychiatrist. I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping. A lot of trouble actually. You know how it is- can't sleep at night but could sleep all day (+ often do).

Anyway my Doctor, fine man that he is, thought i should see a shrink. So i went.

She was an elderly Scottish trout who didn't tell me her name so for simplisities sake for the rest of this Blog i'll call her Morag. No obvious insult intended to anyone unfortunate enough to actually be called Morag.

Initial impressions were not good. She seemed about as interested in me as i am in attending the next Westlife reunioun concert. It went from bad to worse. Some of the conversation went like this:-

Morag - 'So what do you do at nights then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag - 'So what do you do at the weekends then'
Me - 'Not an awful lot, read, watch TV'
Morag- 'So you have trouble meeting people?'
Me - 'No you asked me a question, i answered it'

It went on like this for quite some time. Very productive i was thinking. But then a couple of classics brightened up proceedings no end.

Morag - ' Do you take part in any sports?'
Me - No I'm 41 and if you had bothered to read my notes you would have seen that a large portion of my small intestine has been removed. Therefore, surprisingly enough i don't take part in any sports'

The best was yet to come:

Morag - 'When was the last time you had intercourse?'
Me - 'When dinosaurs walked the earth'
Morag - 'So it would be safe to say you are frustrated'
Me - 'Only when the wind blows'

It really was a quite exceptional experience. And she wants to see me again in a months time.
What joy, i'm sleeping better already!

Short 'Look at me, I'm a Prod' Rant

After my last post and several, unfounded might i add, accusations of bigotry on my part, i decided to set the record straight. For fairness sake i conducted a similar experiment this Saturday in Belfast City Centre. Same route, approx same time. Results are as follows:-

Glasgow Rangers shirts - 0
Northern Ireland Shirts - 0
Linfield/Glentoran Shirts - 1 (I think it was the new Glentoran shirt ..not 100% sure)

As i said.....Its a f**king disgrace!

Short 'Look at me, I'm a Roman Catholic' Rant!

Last Saturday in Belfast City Centre i carried out a short experiment.
Between the City Hall and the Virgin Megastore on Royal Avenue (name to changed shortly no doubt), i counted no less than 17 (yes 17) various people wearing Glasgow Celtic, Republic of Ireland and GAA Shirts.
It breaks down as follows:-
Glasgow Celtic 11
Republic of Ireland (Football) 3
Republic of Ireland (Rugby) 1
Unknown Gaelic Football 2

Its a f**king disgrace.

Short Mouse Rant!!

I became a killer today.
On Monday last i flicked the light switch in the kitchen to find a mouse on my draining board. It flew like Lance Armstrong up Alpe D'Huez behind the washing machine. The thought of this horrible little thing pissing and defacating on my mince steak and where i make my morning sandwichies was enough to spurn me into action.
The next day i bought 2 mouse traps. 'The Nipper' they were called. For the next few days the mouse eluded me. I named it the 'Albert Einstien' of the mouse world. No matter what was in the trap it was gone the next day.
Porridge oats was the answer. Sprinkled all around the trap. It had to crawl all over it to eat.
Today i had success. There it was this morning dead as a doormouse(sorry).
And it was just a baby. It was just lying there with its eyes still open looking up at me as if to say - 'What have you done'. It was really delicate.
Now i'm not going to turn into Julian Cope but God i regret it! What right had i to take away the life of an innocent creature who, when alls said in done was just living its life the only way it knew how? I wonder did it hurt? Was the poor thing in pain?
Its the humane 'will not kill the mouse' trap for me next time.
I'm off to make a donation to the WWF.

Short Songs/Music at funerals Rant

Went to a funeral the other day. Not the most pleasant of things, granted, at the best of times. This was some distant relative who i'd never even met, so not too distressing. It was a family thing....you know how it is.
Anyway, the coffin went into the flames to the Soundtrack to 'Braveheart'. All swirling bagpipes and what not. It was this blokes fav so who am i to argue.
Got me to thinking!! What would i have at my cremation.
All 16 minutes of Hawkwinds PXR5 possibly just to piss people off. How i would laugh from next plane of existense. I would stipulate in my will that everyone would have to stay till it was over.
Thought some more and came up eith these 3 choices (in no particular order)
1. Kenickie - Acetone
2. Kate Bush - This Womans Work
3. Dixie Chicks - God Speed

People might even cry.....and wish they had visited more often.

Short PC Rant!!

Ahh the Personal Computer. What a wonderfull beast...All that power and all just at the touch of of a button. It just makes your heart sing with joy!!...............NOT!!
I love computer games. Really love computer games. I'm not very good at them but thats besides the point. The Personal Computer as a games machine sucks...big time.
I spent a wad of hard earned cash just before Christmas for a brand new one of these. All singing, all dancing 2.6 MHZ, 512 MB, 128MB 3D. You name it has it..all the bells and whistles money could buy.
Does it work ....oh yes. Does it play games ...........oh no!
Firstly theres the VXD errors, Kernell 32 errors, exception OE at module %&!!QMM++ errors to name but a few. So just what do all these things actually mean? Perhaps Bill Gates knows. And how do you fix them? Perhaps Bill Gates knows that too, because i don't.
Recently it has stopped recognising my DVD Rom drive. No reason it just isn't there any more.
Is it frustrating? No its much more than that.
There is however a solution. Its called the Playstation 2. Switch on, insert disc, press start and it works, first time, every time.